Love is important.
Relationships are important.
People are important.
Then why is it that today most embrace solitude instead? Why do we live in a generation where being alone is said to be more peaceful, happy and beautiful than having shared it with someone special?
What is it that we do wrong?
Or
What is it that we don’t seem be concerned and understanding enough to rectify?
In terms of as to why relationships fail between two individuals, I thought of listing out three prominent reasons of my understanding.
01. We misinterpret the concept of balance
As I traveled in search for answers for the above, I once came across a very interesting and fundamental concept that derived off Chinese philosophy which explains the balance of life. “Yin and Yang”
It is said and believed that the standard of Yin and Yang is an essential ideology in Chinese philosophy and culture which is said to be deriving from the third century BC or much prior to the said time period. This is an intense level of understanding that all things exist as indivisible and of conflicting contrary energies, for instance as female-male, good and bad, Black and White. The two opposites are drawn toward each other and appendage each other. Accordingly, as the symbol illustrates, each side has at its core element of the other as represented by the two dots. Neither one of the poles are seemingly better than the other and, as an expansion, an increase in one brings a corresponding decrease in the other, a correct balance between the two poles must be reached in order to achieve harmony.
It’s indeed a very interesting concept and carries a deep sense of logical belief, especially when implied in understanding the relationship between two individuals. I have read many articles listing out traits of who we should look for, what should we look for and what traits of people we should run away from, hide from and fear, that each time we come across a person that’s the first thing we try to spot in order to specify. We try to rationalize the already registered negatives and then we consider moving on to trying and spotting some good.
But why?
Every single being has things black and white in combination. We live in an era where we are far too busy hunting for the best and perfect fit that we miss seeing the complimentary aspect of differences altogether. 21st century has made so many things in life easy, less time and effort consuming and comfortable that we pretty much expect the same in relationships as well, forgetting that it doesn’t work that way with people.
A relationship is a form of balance. One does not suck the energy and life out of the other, instead they should restore it when the significant other is seemingly losing it, making sure that the imbalance doesn’t go off edge.
But who the hell can be bothered right?
We have so much on our plates, busy with education, career and problems in life that we do a pretty good job in convincing ourselves that like a job, like some qualification people too can be replaced. Hence, to protect the balance of our materialistic life we willingly let go in maintaining the balance between who we love and care for with the belief that it is the right thing to do.
So is it the right thing to do? Hell NO!
If you do not understand the importance of a correct balance between the two in order to achieve harmony, then we are quite likely to continue making the same mistakes disrupting perfect balance to carry forth a relationship no matter who we meet.
02. Because and perhaps we don’t see it the way it should be seen
I happened to read this book written by Jodi Picoult, named “Handle with Care”. Though not the best book I have read so far, yet certain parts of the book made me hit my head on the ground. You see, relationships fail in the absence of a sense of responsibility and commitment. Today though many would deny, a majority of people are deep down afraid of it. And for the rest “relationships” are not a matter of concern or a priority in terms of committing and feeling responsible for. So they run away from it.
To many, the hook up culture offers and appeals with more freedom than a journey to marriage because people perceive marriage to be either perfection or destruction. They tend to pause at the two extremes and don’t even bother to think deep about what would and could be in the middle or in fact, what should!
“Maybe you expected marriage to be perfect – I guess that’s where you and I are different. See, I thought it would be all about making mistakes, but doing it with someone who’s there to remind you what you learned along the way.” – Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care –
Relationships too are a form of art which needs to be mastered. When I read this excerpt it made me realize that how important it is for us to intent the right thing and also understand the right thing to balance a healthy relationship which most of the time we miserably fail to do. “I thought it would be all about making mistakes, but doing it with someone who’s there to remind you what you learned along the way.” If it is this way, any relationship would be beautiful despite all hardships, but we rarely remind our partners what we managed to learn along the way. It’s rarely about the lesson and almost always about the mistake.
No wonder relationships fall apart now eh?
We just don’t see it or we don’t want to. We would mind losing our car, our job, our ego, pride, education and all worldly possessions, but simply wouldn’t mind losing people. As much as we claim it to be hard, it has also become very easy.
The best part comes when we find excuses to justify why we did what we did. It doesn’t stop. What’s toxic is never the relationship. To me, what is toxic is the level of perception and thought. Why? simply, because we don’t see it the way it should be seen!
03. Because LOVE is something we do not know, yet think we do.
Love is valentines, love is about finding your soulmate/best fit, love is about happiness, love is what matters, Love is when he or she says how much they love you and your heart skips one beat, and so on and so forth blah and blah and blah blah blah….. I think I’m gona puke!!!
Well, to love is to respect. To love is to know why you want to be with a person and its worth, love is to feel responsible, love is to be responsible, love is to break and make. To love is to be selfless, to love is to give and to love, is the hardest thing ever!!
Love is effort and hard work. Love is in actions and not in words. If you choose a partner, then you need to learn how to treat them with worth and self-value. Every being values their sense of dignity and self-respect. A significant other is a person who would enhance, uplift and push forth the person they are involved with at the highest value possible.
We think we love selflessly. Obviously we should now, shouldn’t we?
If not how can we make ourselves feel better for not knowing how to love? But have you seen how dogs love?
Yeah! They are dogs! But that is an expression of selfless love you know!
Apart from observing how a dog loves so selflessly way better than humans, another thing that fascinated me was to learn that a male Gentoo penguin actually search through piles of pebbles to find the smoothest, most perfect rocks to gift its mate. When a penguin has selected his pebble, he presents it to his intended companion. If she approves, she puts the stone in her nest and the two are well on their way to becoming mommy and daddy birds.
Yeah! They are penguins!!!
But they seem to take love, family and commitment quite seriously than most men and women these days.
Actually, not knowing what it takes to love is another reason why relationships fail.
A relationship is not the bubbly ride where you simply date, chat, get to have sex and the fun and then be done with it just because you are bored or whatever the reason for that matter. You don’t choose people as a fit on. People and their emotions are not clothes. You don’t misuse the concept of being in a relationship to damage people and create a domino effect.
Relationships fail when we fail to understand Ying and Yang, relationships fail when we fail to perceive and intent things to make it worth, relationships fail when we assume we know what love is and stop learning how and what it takes to love.
Relationships fail when we are far too deaf to listen, far too blind to see and far too busy to accept the fact that we simply failed to understand.
Yet, to save a relationship all you need is a desire for balance. To compromise where it matters. To figure out what complimentary qualities of your partner is Yang to your Ying. And above all of that, a conviction that they are worth the effort for today and forever.